Thoughts on graduation speeches

and other things I've come across

A few weeks ago, I graduated. As I sat in the LA Coliseum alongside my smiling classmates, dressed in my black gown with funky wings and a strange hood, I tried to soak it in. The professors, speakers, and dean sitting on the stage were dressed in even more fantastic garb than us graduates - balloon sleeves, 8 sided hats, bright colored robes. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself at the attire. I’d forgotten how formal academia is. What other time, other than Halloween, is it normal to dress in attire with 12th & 13th century origins?

When Zach realized the hood could be molded into a Harry Potter-esque situation.

The Coliseum flame was lit as speakers with impossibly impressive resumes spoke about their accomplishments. They encouraged us to keep following our dreams and strive for higher goals than we could imagine, just as they did. Indeed, these were pretty unsurprising feel good messages for a business school graduation. And honestly, I like these encouragements. I like goals, achieving, yada yada. I think it’s important to celebrate, recognize resilience, and push limits. But also, I have some reservations about these messages. A yes and..

As I sat in the bleachers, I couldn’t help but reflect on the narratives I felt reinforced from that stage. The narratives I feel American culture echoes in my ear:

Your career is who you are.

Accomplishing goals is success, so the alternative is failure.

The more money you make, the more worthy and impressive you are.

In other words, Henri Nouwen said it best:

Source: Facebook post by Brene Brown https://www.facebook.com/brenebrown/posts/thank-you-henri-these-are-the-lies-that-keep-us-small-afraid-and-quiet/2678709738810785/?_rdr

There were times this past year I unconsciously fell into these narratives so deeply, I made my body sick with stress, striving for the “perfect job” while frazzled with fear it wouldn’t happen. It’s all too easy to keep trying to earn worth and value. It’s a ridiculous hamster-wheel race that can never be won, because it’s fueled by a lie: that worth is something I don’t already have and must earn.

Re-writing the narratives

Below is a list of people who offer alternative perspectives. After graduation, two friends sent me some fantastic graduation speeches that pushed back on this culture that primarily labels people by accomplishments and encourages following dreams. I recommend taking time to listen to these.

1. Kelsey O’Connor’s speech. When Kelsey’s ability to perform was unexpectedly taken away from her, she needed to root her identity in something else.. something more solid. She encourages us to “describe people not by their labels, but by three things: their attitude, the way that they treat others, and what makes them uniquely beautiful.” A better question to ask is not “what will you do, but who will you become?” she says.

2. Grant Sanderson’s “What Follow Your Dreams Misses” speech at Harvey Mudd.

In his speech, Grant highlights that our dreams should include others, not just us. He also emphasizes to remember that dreams change as the world and ourselves do too.

My favorite quotes from his speech:

“If you have a passion that you want to incorporate into a career, take a step back and recognize the fact that the cliché to “follow your dreams” overlooks how critical it is that the dreams you have are about something more than just yourself.”

“The successful entrepreneurs are the ones who have a relentless focus on making sure that what they have to sell is what people want to buy, not just those who are looking to make something impressive.”

“Rather than having any one particular goal that defines who you are, you’ll take better advantage of whatever the future has to offer you if you remain nimble and if you’re responsive to the changes in the world and if you anticipate change within yourself.”

3. Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

In her book (pg. 67), Liz writes:

“The Romans didn’t believe that an exceptionally gifted person was a genius; they believed that an exceptionally gifted person had a genius… if your work is successful, in other words, you are obliged to thank your external genius for the help, thus holding you back from total narcissism. And if your work fails, it’s not entirely your fault. You can say, “Hey, don’t look at me — my genius didn’t show up today! Either way, the vulnerable human ego is protected. Protected from the corrupting influence of praise. Protected from the corrosive effects of shame.

I find this delightful and relieving. We aren’t geniuses, but we can all access that piece of ourselves.

Another one of Liz’s comments in Big Magic seemingly conflicts with Grant’s emphasis to focus on something that is more than just yourself. Liz writes (pg. 98):

“Whenever anybody tells me they want to write a book in order to help other people, I always think, Oh, please don’t. Please don’t try to help me. I mean, it is very kind of you to want to help people, but please don’t make it your sole creative motive, because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls… I would so much rather you wrote a book in order to entertain yourself than help me.”

I am guilty of falling into this trap. Liz goes on to write she wrote Eat Pray Love to save herself, and so it turned out she helped a lot of other people as well. She was simply trying to figure herself out and make sense of the emotional confusion. If her intention was to help other people, it would’ve turned out completely differently.

This makes me think of that lyric from Macklemore’s Growing Up song:

“Don’t try to change the world, find something that you love. And do it every day. Do that for the rest of your life, and eventually, the world will change.” - Macklemore

In short, I think all these folks are right. There’s truth in following your dreams, remaining resilient. There’s truth in saying “I’m done trying to be resilient. I need to rest.” Success is saying no to something you once thought was for you. Success is also persevering even when it’s hard and you want to give up. Solely trying to help others can be problematic. Solely focusing on yourself can be problematic. Our labels are important.. writer, engineer, poet, volleyball player.. and.. our labels are completely unimportant. I guess the wisdom comes when we’re aware we’re falling towards one end of the spectrum too much in any of these categories. There is a time for each of them, and if we are wise, we can determine what time that is. Figuring that out is the hardest part, at least for me.

What I loved this month:

1. Darling ducklings at the river

2. Buzzing bees on the trail

3. Toby trying to fit himself into a small box and sit like a gentleman as if it’s perfectly normal.

Did this post make you think of something? Would love to know. Hope you have the best day available to you!